Article (series): Military Family Support
I wrote four articles from 2022 to 2023 for Wellness Together Canada, a government of Canada funded website which provides mental health and substance use support for Canadians. All four articles are meant to support veterans and currently serving members of the Canadian Armed Forces with issues specific to them.
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(all names have been changed to protect individual privacy)
The military world is one where flexibility and expecting the unexpected become necessities for survival. The military lifestyle is not easy. If your partner is a soldier, sailor, or aviator in the Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) or a veteran of it, this is familiar to you and your family.
When your partner is deployed, on training, or transitioning, it falls to you to keep the home fires burning – to plan, manage, and organize so much of your family’s life. It can feel like climbing a mountain, and, if your partner is ill or injured, the climb can feel insurmountable.
I’m a 21-year veteran of the CAF, and I’m a military spouse – my husband is still serving. We have two small children. I also have a chronic illness related to my service, so I’ve needed support both as an injured military member and as a military wife.
While my experience isn’t the same as most military spouses, we have much in common. We must uproot ourselves and our families every few years, leaving behind our communities and support networks. We worry about the health of our relationships – our marriages, our families, our friendships – especially when training, deployment, and lack of control interfere with our time and our sanity. We worry for our children. Will they make new friends? Will they cope? Will we?
We Can’t Change the Behaviour of Others.
What I have learned through my own struggles is that we must take care of ourselves first. There’s a reason that airplane safety instructions tell us to put on our own oxygen mask before helping anyone else.
Theresa works as a family counsellor for her local Military Family Resource Centre (MFRC). She’s also a military spouse and mother of two.
“Military members as well as their partners, parents, and children can access resources through the MFRC and CAF Connection to help them cope with the difficulties of military life,” she said. “Each CAF base or wing in Canada has an MFRC.
Counselling for military families, including spouses, teen children, and couples; emergency childcare; summer camps; and a connection to community resources are only a few of the services available at MFRCs,” Theresa said.
“Wounded Warriors is also an excellent resource for military families. Partners of military members and veterans can find comprehensive support for themselves and their loved ones.”
If you need someone to reach out to quickly, consider calling the Member and Family Assistance services, also known as the Employee Assistance Program (EAP). They are a 24/7 bilingual service for CAF members and their families to help them overcome the pressure of problems related to relationships, stress, harassment and sexual assault, drugs and alcohol, or other issues affecting your health.
Once Your Oxygen Mask is On
The military medical system and Veterans Affairs Canada (VAC) have many supports for those they serve, but they’re often frustrating and difficult to navigate.
Your military member should start with a visit to their medical officer (MO) or primary care clinician. They need to tell the MO what’s going on and ask for help. If they’re experiencing psychological issues, they should know that most bases and wings have a self-referral program for mental health, which means military members can walk into their base clinic’s mental health section and ask to see a clinician for assessment.
Ideally, military members who are ill or injured as a result of their service should contact VAC regarding disability benefits and other assistance before release. Veterans with service-related illness or injury who haven’t done this and don’t have a case manager can still reach out. The Legion or OSISS can help with completing VAC forms.
What if Your Partner Won’t Get Help?
“It was hell,” Silvie said of her 6 years with a military partner who refused to get help for his service-related injury. “It wasn’t that he didn’t want to get help,” she said. “He didn’t think he needed it.”
“It started with Kosovo, and then he got blown up as a driver in Afghanistan, once in his own vehicle and once the vehicle in front. When he was home, he would swerve to avoid garbage bags at the side of the road thinking they were bombs. He didn’t know he was doing it.”
“He was also short-tempered, but inconsistently. My daughter and I were walking on eggshells, never knowing what would trigger him or make him snap.”
“Reach out to the Operational Stress Injury Social Support (OSISS),” Theresa said. “It’s a peer support network specifically for the military, veterans, and their families who are living with an operational stress injury.”
In OSISS, military members, veterans, and their family members over the age of 18 can find someone to talk with who understands what they’re going through.
People in OSISS share their experience, either through one-on-one interactions or in a group, to support those who need it.
My contact at OSISS told me that former military family members are also welcome in the program, those estranged or divorced from their military member or veteran. You still may have feelings and thoughts to work through. Maybe getting involved would help you, or your experiences could help someone else, or maybe you could simply use OSISS events as an excuse to get out of the house.
OSISS gets it. They’re not clinicians and don’t provide medical treatment, but they can support you and give recommendations to help you through your struggles.
That Wasn’t in the Brochure
Renee had just finished post-secondary school when her partner went on basic training. Before he left, he went down on one knee and proposed.
She added that the recruiting centre had provided her and her fiancé with information on the entire training process, which ended up being false, including that recruits could leave training on the weekends after their initial 5 weeks. Renee’s partner was confined to barracks nearly the whole time.
When Renee’s fiancé finished basic training, she thought they’d be reunited, but he was posted to a different city – where he had more training and little time for their relationship.
“I was furious with the military,” she said. “It felt like we were lied to from day one.”
Renee’s mental health deteriorated.
“I was depressed all the time, even suicidal at one point.”
Renee’s anger with the military has expanded to include the entire military community.
“I don’t want to be around the military, or anything related to it. I’m not interested in the MFRC or spending time with other military families,” she said.
Now What?
Theresa acknowledged Renee’s feelings. “Anger at the institution can be common,” she said. “The MFRC has connections with local non-military community groups and resources as well. Reaching out for support doesn’t mean you have to get involved. There are other options.”
The Public Service Health Care Plan (PSHCP) provides insurance coverage for the dependants of active military members, and their services are expanding. Veterans who’ve signed up for PSHCP will also soon be able to claim more for services. Your partner needs to register you. It’s called positive enrollment.
“You can see someone in mental health and get the help you need without breaking the bank.” Keep in mind, however, that some clinicians may not be willing to bill insurance directly. In those cases, clients would have to pay up front and request reimbursement from PSHCP.
CAF Connection also has resources for military families that do not require going to a base or wing.
Financial Advice and Policy
While at lunch with two of my friends, Maya and Eric (both military spouses), we discussed other resources worth looking into.
SISIP Financial is a business that advises and provides solutions for the CAF community, including veterans, “across pensions, investing, insurance, spending, borrowing and more” according to their website.
“Military spouses can learn more about SISIP by contacting one of its advisors and more about both VAC and SISIP by reading their policies,” Maya said. “Most serving members and veterans haven’t even read about their entitlements.”
“Knowledge is empowering,” Eric added. “And for the partner who doesn’t think they need help, couples counselling might be worth looking into. Encouraging your partner to work on us rather than themselves can both improve your relationship and open the door to them for further self-reflection. Sometimes what we need is to understand each other – to speak to each other in a safe environment.”
You Are Not Alone
When I later spoke with Theresa, she agreed. “You’re trying to support your partner. You’re trying to keep your family together and healthy. You are the common link, and you don’t have to do it alone.”
Theresa also spoke about self-care and self-compassion. I find the former extremely hard to prioritize and the latter often unattainable, but she’s right.
I recently saw a meme that said something like, “Change I don’t have time to it’s not a priority. Then I don’t have time for taking care of myself becomes Taking care of myself is not a priority. If that doesn’t sit well, it’s time to do more for you.”
Self-compassion involves being gentle with yourself, accepting that some things simply won’t get done, and that’s okay. Sometimes we don’t act the way we want to; we yell or say things we don’t mean. It’s okay to forgive yourself. It’s okay to be human and vulnerable. There are resources out there, people who want to help and people who are experiencing the same hardships that you are. Reach out.